Flashback, We're All Idiots
by diggory53191
Summary: SEPTEMBER 7TH; UPDATED. Parody. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are sent back to the Marauders Era because of a broken Time Turner. CRACK!FIC Guess who joins Snape's band? EPISODE 4
1. EPISODE 1

A **crack!fic parody project** of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's mishap with the Time Turner. They're sent to Hogwarts circa 1970's and encounter some old people that look... well... younger. **Spoilers from Deathly Hallows. JKR**

* * *

**EPISODE 1**

_Harry sat down on an oversized leather couch in the warm and toasty Gryffindor common room. It was summer time but for some reason they always had a fire going. The Forbidden Forest had taken a huge blow because of these pyro addicted students, and also because the Centaurs have recently found a new Mexican restaurant to eat at. Harry, too busy being self centered and angsty, didn't seem to hear the screams and yells of his friends Ron and Hermione. He pet his new Nimbus 3000 like a puppy and thought about his new found godfather Sirius Black_.

Hermione: Give me back that Time Turner you idiot!

_She climbed on Ron's back trying to reach for the Time Turner._

Ron: Why the hell are you on my back?

Hermione: Because it gives more to our sub-plot as romantic interests now give me back that necklace!

Ron: That's not fair. Harry got to use it! And why are you still on my back?

_Harry heard the sound of his name and quickly perked up._

Harry: Yes. I am Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, the stone holding, chamber finding, godson of an Azkaban escapee! I love magic!

Hermione: Tell Ron to give me back the Time Turner!"

Harry: Wait… how come _you're_ on _his_ back?! Why is he _smiling_? Are you two having all sorts of _wizard fun_ without _me_?! Oh! *Angst* Angst* *Angst*

Ron: (_Out of the corner of his mouth_) So bi-polar…

_Harry heard him and in an angry fit of teenage rage pounced on him, and yeah, Hermione too, and the three began to plummet down into the fireplace. _(_Cue dramatic music) But instead of landing into the fireplace, the trio fell onto a grassy area just outside of Hogwarts._

Ron: What happened!?

_Ron got up and Hermione was still on his back._

_Harry fixed his glasses, rubbed dirt off of his robes, and stood in a heroic position. _

Harry: _I_ happened.

Hermione: Ron you idiot! The time turner! You've smashed it!

_Hermione hit Ron on the head with her own forehead._

Harry: There's only one thing we can do,

_Harry turned slowly to add dramatic effect._

Ron and Hermione: What?!

Harry: Wander around aimlessly until someone smart tells us what to do.

_Harry started walking._

Hermione: But _I'm_ smart!

Ron: Can you please GET OFF MY BACK.

Harry: Look!

_Harry pointed to a group of students. _

Harry: There's a boy reading a book! I bet he's smart!

Ron: (_Sarcastically_) I bet he's in Ravenclaw.

_Harry fell on the floor laughing. Ron and Hermione just looked at him. _

Ron: It wasn't that funny mate.

_Hermione did an awkward turtle hand symbol and Harry finally stood up._

Harry: Excuse me-

_Harry walked up to the reading boy who had distanced himself from his other three pals. _

Harry: -do you know-

Reading Boy: Sorry James, but I really need to study for Slug's potion final.

Harry: James?

Reading Boy: (_Finally looking up.)_ Sorry mate, didn't see you there. Wait a second, you're not James. (_A worried expression fell on the Reading Boy's face. He quickly shut his book and stuffed a piece of chocolate in his face._) When I get nervous or upset, I eat a piece of chocolate. It makes me happy inside.

Harry: Yeah ok…

Hermione: Professor Lupin!

_Ron quickly hid behind a tree. _

Ron: Keep it down Hermione! I still didn't turn in his last assignment; I don't want him looking for me!

_Hermione gave Ron a kick in the ass and forced him to come back out of his hiding space. Hermione pointed to the Reading Boy. _

Hermione: That's Professor Lupin you ginger head blubbering twit!

Ron: (_Stammering_) Professor Lupin. I… I… I'm sorry I didn't turn in my last Defense paper. You see I was busy trying to save the world with Harry and Hermione.

Remus: Um, well ok….

Hermione bit Ron on the shoulder.

Hermione: (_Whispering in Ron's ear_) No you idiot! The Time Turner!

Ron: (_Whispering back_) You mean to tell me that that's Professor Lupin… from the past? Bloody hell.

Harry jumping in to join the whisper.

Harry: I think the sidebangs and nervous eating habits sort of gave it away, don't you think?

_Suddenly, their huddle was joined in on by Remus and three other boys. Harry, Ron, and Hermione failed to notice_.

Hermione: So how do you suppose we'll get back?

Ron: Maybe if you GET OFF MY BACK.

Harry: We'll just have to talk to Dumbledore. I'm sure he'll understand.

Remus: Dumbledore's left town on business but will return in a week.

Harry: Thank you Remus… in a week!?

Hermione: Which means, we cannot afford to ruin the timeline. You don't know how many wizards have disappeared because of… (_Hermione glances up and looks at all the additional faces. There's a short, chunky kid, Remus, a boy with sexy dark curls and bad boy attitude, and another boy that looked a lot like Harry._)

Hermione: What do you four think your doing spying in on our conversation like that!?

Boy #1: Sorry, I was just trying to copy the other three guys.

Boy #2: Is there anyway my sexy dark curls and bad boy attitude can get me out of you being mad at me?

Boy #3: I am the most popular boy in school. It's physically impossible for a girl to be mad at me.

Boy #2: Please to meet your acquaintance madam. (_He_ _winked at Hermione. Ron cringed_) Sirius Black at your service.

Boy #1: Me too!

Sirius: Oh do shut up Pettigrew!

_Harry glanced down at the short kid and balled his hand into a fist until Hermione kicked him._

Boy #3: And I'm-

Harry: You're James Potter! *Fanboy squee*

James: Well then. (_Observing Harry's glasses and messy hair_) You must be… my number one fan!

_Remus facepalmed._

Sirius: Are you three second years?

Ron: Oh no, we're third years!

Hermione slapped Ron on the back of the head.

Sirius: Well, (looking at Hermione especially) I haven't seen you three in any of our classes.

Hermione: We're quite… shy…

Sirius: Well that answer was ambiguous enough to make me believe it. Alright.

Remus took another bite of chocolate.

James: Well we're off. You three should follow as well. You don't want to be late for Potions. And Remus here's having quite a fit.

Ron: Potions? Bloody hell Harry, I hadn't planned on seeing Snape again.

James and Sirius quickly turned around and shot Ron a narrow glance.

James: Oy. Are you three friends with the Greasy Git?

Ron: (Mumbling with fear) N-n-no…

James: Fantastic! Come along gang!

And the seven of them frolicked and skipped to potions class.

Ron: Hermione you fat pig MY BACK IS DYING.

* * *

**NEXT ON FLASHBACK, WE'RE ALL IDIOTS**

James: What are your names?

Harry: I'm Harry P- Puppet. This here's Ron Buckbeat, and that's Hermione...

Remus: Hermione...?

Harry: Just Hermione.

Harry: She's like Madonna.

Sirius: Who's Madonna?

-

Ron: Get off my back.

Hermione: Make me.

Ron: (_Pointing in the distance_) Quick! There's a quiz that needs to be taken!

_Hermione jumps off Ron's back_

Hermione: Where!?!?


	2. EPISODE 2

**EPISODE 2**

_Harry, Ron, Hermione, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter enter Professor Slughorn's classroom. It's very... potion-y. _

Slughorn: Wait. Who are you three?

Harry: Foreign exchange?

Slughorn: (_Shrugs_) Yeah ok.

_Harry and the gang find their seats. James and Sirius sit together, as well as Ron and Hermione. Harry and Peter look at each other and stick their hands out to play a game of rock, paper, scissors. Harry wins and quickly fills the seat next to Lupin's. Peter's forced to sit in the back by himself._

Slughorn: Take out your quills; we'll be having our exam today. (_To Harry, Ron, and Hermione_) Are you three related to anyone of importance?

Harry: I think my cousin's friend's babysitter's uncle twice removed invented toilet paper, sir.

Hermione: NO.

Slughorn: I'm sorry. I'm afraid you three don't exist. (_Slughorn passes out the exam papers_)

Ron: (_Whispering to Hermione_) What's the matter with him!?

Hermione: I guess we're not important enough.

Ron: Aw. Oh well, we'll get more screentime then him in the movies.

Harry: High five gang!

Slughorn: James Potter, we're in the middle of an exam!

James: That wasn't me! It was- _(Looking around nervously, he points to Pettigrew_.)

_Two students run into the classroom late. One's a girl with red hair and green eyes; the other's a tall, skinny boy with long black hair. _

Slughorn: Ah! My potion making prodigy! Nice of you to join us Evans! _Sit down Severus_. (_The pair take seats together in the back.)_

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione quickly turn to look at them. James and Sirius throw a pencil at Snape. It misses and hits Peter in the face._

Hermione: (_Whispering_) It's Professor Snape!

Ron: Bloody hell, even I could beat up that twig. I mean look at him Hermione! The Greasy Git's even whimpier looking than Harry!

Harry: Did you just say my name Ron?

Hermione: Who's that girl he's with?

James: Oy! Lily! You've yet to answer my question.

Sirius: Come on, he needs an answer so we can get back to our bromance!

Harry: (_Jumping up from his seat_) That's my mother!

_The whole class stares at him._

Harry: (_Gangsterly_) Yo Ron.. you're one _baaaaad_ mother!

Lily: _James..._

James: Well hurry up, I haven't gotten all day! The Yule Ball will be here sooner than _Snivellus_ will ever get lai-

_Hermione slams her paper down._

Hermione: Yes! First one finished!

_Ron takes it from her and copies the answers. He then passes the answers to Harry, Sirius, etc... How Slughorn's oblivious to all of this? I. Don't. Know._

Sirius: _Lily Potter._ I like the sound of that mate.

James: Why thank you. Although she might want to keep the maiden name in there for-

Sirius: Right, right, like those Muggle celebrities...

Lily: For the last time, I will NOT go to the Yule Ball with _you _James!

_Ron hands Hermione's exam paper to Remus._

Remus: Oh, no thank you. I've already finished. I've been studying all week.

_With this, Hermione perks up and flashes Remus a smile. _

Remus: Would you like a piece of chocolate Hermione?

Ron: NO, NO, NO! She does NOT want a piece of chocolate! (_Whispering to Hermione_) What do you think you're doing?!

Hermione: I'm getting a piece of choco-

Ron: He's our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!

Hermione: Not for another 20 or so years... Harry, will you switch with me?

_Harry and Hermione swap seats and Ron is furious._

Ron: Sickening.

Harry: What is?

_Ron points to Hermione and Lupin._

Hermione: I love that book! That's #13 on my list of my 100 Favorite Books of All Time!

_Remus takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it. It says Remus Lupin: 100 Favorite Books of All Time._

_Ron almost throws up in his mouth and Harry turns his attention to the commotion behind him._

James: Is that a _ribbon_ on your wrist Snivellus?

_Snape quickly retracts his arm and puts it under the table._

James: Training for the ballet, Snape?

Ron: (_Nudging Harry)_ Wow. You're father is brillant.

Harry: I feel like I know him...

Ron: He made you.

Harry: No, like, I've met him before.

Ron: Because you have?

Lily: It's not a ribbon! It's a part of a root Sev and I were using for a potion we were making in the Forbidden Forest. _That's _why we came in late.

James: You have a condom stuck to your foot Snivelly.

_Snape turns to look at his shoe._

James: Made you look.

Sirius: Will you look at that James! Lily and Snivellus! The lion and the _snake_.

James: How Romeo and Julietesque. Remember how that ended _Snivellus_?

Lily: Stop it, the both of you. For the last time, we're just friends!

_Snape starts to write but breaks his pencil._

Sirius: _Lily Snape._ (_To Ron_.) Sounds disease like, don't you think?

Ron: I, uh- Harry?

Harry: ...high five gang!

Slughorn: Pettigrew! How many times have I told you, we're in the middle of an exam!

Pettigrew: Sir, I...I-

Slughorn: 2 points from Gryffindor!

Ron: Who the hell takes two points? At least Snape had the balls to take 5 points from us everytime we breathed the air around him. (_Pointing to Severus_.) That can't be the same guy.

Hermione: And then I said, 'it's Winguardium Levi_o_sa!'

Remus: Woah!

Hermione: I know!

Ron: I don't think I can last one week here.

_Harry doesn't pay attention to him but looks at the Mauruders and Lily and Snape._

Ron: Harry. Are you listening to me?

Harry: Why aren't my parents getting along? *Angst*

Ron: They're probably doing that whole, I love you/hate you thing. Trust me. I know _exactly_ how that feels.

Harry: Don't you think that my fa- James and Sirius are being a bit harsh on Snape?

Ron: Are you serious? This is Snape we're talking about! Greasy, creepy, if it weren't for his velety chocolate voice I would kill myself, Professor Snape!

Remus: Ron... did you say chocolate?

Slughorn: Has everyone finished their tests?

Hermione: Considering it was only one question and my paper, as well as Remus' and Snape's, were passed around the classroom numerous times, yes.

Slughorn: I'm sorry, am I the only one who can hear that shrill humming sound?

Lily: We're all finished sir.

Slughorn: Exellent, excellent! Pass up your papers. Now... we're going to brew a very special potion! I'll be placing you in groups of two. Lily, would you please work with that hazy figure over there, I can't see her. She seems to be trapped in some fog of unimportance.

Hermione: Sir, I _have_ a _name _and it is Herm-

Slughorn: There is that shrill humming again... Potter, assuming that you'll have your parents call me if you don't have it your way, you may work with Black. Remus, you may work with that orange colored hazy fog of unimportance-

Remus: We'll make an excellent team.

Ron: Kill me.

Remus: What was that?

Ron: I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, _kill me_.

Slughorn: And you, with the _scar_. You're hazy fog of unimportance is overpowered by your hazy fog of brooding. Go work with Severus over there. He's quite the brooder _and_ potions master, next to Ms. Evan's of course.

Snape: *Angst* *Brood*

Harry: *Brood* *Angst*

Snape: *Brood* *Angst* *Brood*

Harry: Well then. Let's bottle some fame! Brew some glory! Put some stoppers in death!

Snape: Who the hell talks like that?

Harry: (_Peering into the cauldron_) You've already made the potion!

Snape: Lily and I have concocted Crustulum Paste several times before.

Harry: So... how long have you known my mo- Lily?

S_nape gives him a narrows glance_

Snape: Since we were nine. She and her annoying older sister live in my neighborhood.

Harry: Aunt Petunia...

Snape: What did you just say?!

Harry: My scar is in the shape of a lightning bolt!

Remus: So Ron... is there anything going on between you and Hermione? I noticed some unresolved sexual tension and I thought it would only be right of me to ask.

Ron: What?! Between me and Hermione!? Ha! Don't make me laugh!

Remus: I wasn't trying to, but ok...

Ron: Why... what are you planning?

Remus: I was wondering if I could, well, if I could ask her to go to the Yule Ball with me...

Sirius: Dammit Remus I was going to take her!

Remus: Well, what do you say?

Ron: I- I-

Remus: You look quite ill Ron. Here (_giving him a piece of chocolate_). It helps. It really does.

Hermione: Sirius just told me! I would love to go to the Yule Ball with you Remus!

_Ron gags on the chocolate. _

Lily: Good choice Hermione. Out of those three-

Peter: Four!

Lily: Out of those _three_, Remus is the noblest one.

Hermione: (_Whispering_) Who are you planning on going with?

Lily: (_Whispering_) I'm not sure.

Hermione: (_Whispering_) Why don't you go with Sirius?

Lily: (_Whispering_) I was kind of hoping someone would take me, but some people are (_talking loudly_)_ too afraid to ask_!

_Hermione hands Lily a piece of chocolate and they start nervous eating._

Sirius: Do you have any idea what we're supposed to be doing?

James: No clue...

Sirius: Add three cups of flour, one egg...

James: Merlin, this is intense!

Harry: Do you think they've figured out that Slughorn told us to make cookies?

Snape: (_Pointing to Hermione and Lily's table_) They're decorating theirs.

Harry: I'm Harry by the way.

Snape: Severus.

Harry: *Brood*

Snape: *Angst*

* * *

**Next On FLASHBACK, WE'RE ALL IDIOTS**

Sirius: Why does this taste like crap!?

-

Remus: Ron! It needs more CHOCOLATE!

-

Hermione: ...and this one I decorated to look like Remus. Who's that one supposed to be?

Lily: I tried to make it look like Sev.

Hermione: If you really relax your eyes, it kind of looks Wonder Woman

_Lily relaxes her eyes._

Lily: Well will you look at that...


	3. EPISODE 3

**EPISODE 3**

_The Marauders, Lily and Snape, and our trio head off to Transfigurations class. Today the students were to sit in desks and learn nothing._

Ron: (_Talking to a cat_) Wow! Professor McGonagall was quite the looker back in the day. Oh Minerva...

McGonagall: I'm a cat. Meow.

Ron: Professor, I happen to know a spell that allows me to turn my ex-rat into a furry water goblet. Perhaps I can show you sometime-

McGonagall: Meow.

Ron: Well then. You've certainly matured over the past two decades. Go on, bugger off.

Harry: Why the hell are you flirting with a cat?

Ron: It's not a cat, it's Professor McGonagall!

Harry: You mean that hot babe over there by the chalkboard?

Ron: Oh Minerva...

(The Real) McGonagall: Yes Gryffindor student I have never seen in my life before?

Ron: I wanted to know if, if...

McGonagall: Go on child...

Ron: If.. if.. (_He grabs a piece of chocolate from Remus and starts nervous eating_)

Lily: So... about the Yule Ball...

Snape: Yes? Yes?

Lily: I was wondering if...

Snape: Yes?!

Lily: If you'd...

James: Lily! Perhaps this will woo your affections!

Snape: *Brood*

Lily: It's a water goblet. Made of feathers. This is pointless.

James: Made it myself.

Sirius: Didn't that orange kid-

James: Shh!

Lily: Go away!

Sirius: I think she likes it.

Hermione: ...but what I really can't stand, Remus, are people who keep deep dark secrets and refuse to talk to _anyone_ about them...

Remus: (_Nervously_) Ha...ha... what... kinds... of... secrets?

Hermione: Oh. You know... anything that gets hairy under the moonlight.

Remus: I don't under-

Hermione: Wow. That sounded a lot more dirty than I wanted it to.

Harry: So let me get this straight. You're flirting with Mrs. Norris- _a cat_, to get McGonagall jealous, to get Hermione jealous?!

Ron: Sounds about right, yeah.

Harry: That's bloody brilliant!

Hermione: Isn't it strange that the eight of us-

Peter: Nine!

Hermione: That the eight of us keep talking and messing about in class, but the teachers don't really seem to care?

Remus: It's the seventies. Everything's groovy.

Hermione: If this were a musical, we'd have a dance sequence right about now.

Lily: So... about the Yule Ball...

Snape: Yes!?

Lily: Do you have anything to... comment, about... it?

Snape: I- I- I'm in charge of... finding a musical act for it?

Lily: Really?!

Snape: No, but since I told you I was, I can't go back on my word and now I'm going to have to find someone to play for us!

Lily: Relax Sev! It's not like you made an Unbreakable Vow or something...

Snape: Ha! Like I'll ever do that!

Lily: So... is there really nothing you'd like to, you know, say about the Ball?

Snape: ...

Lily: ...

Snape: Would-

Lily: James!

James: Yes?

Lily: I guess I'll go to the Yule Ball with you...

Harry: Yay parents!

James: If this were a musical, we'd have a dance sequence right about now.

Snape: *Brood* *Angst* *Brood*

Hermione: Why does Ron keep talking to that cat?!

Remus: I've never been fond of cats...

Hermione: And why is that?

Remus: Because I'm a werewo- no particular reason whatsoever!

Hermione: Ron! What do you think you're doing?

Ron: What does it look like?

Hermione: You're meowing like an idiot.

Ron: You're just jealous! You know what? You could use a good cat call yourself. Why don't you go tell wolfy over there to give you a howl!

Hermione: Jealous? Ha!

Ron: Meow.

Hermione: Ron.

Ron: Meow, Purr...

Hermione: Ronald! Stop that and let me talk to you!

Ron: Can't, sorry. I'm scheduled to flirt with Minerva over there in three seconds.

Hermione: Can't you just be civilized for-

Ron: 1, 2, 3. Oh Minerva...

Lily: Oh James, I didn't realize how amazingly messy your hair is. It's perfect!

Snape: *Brood*

Harry: Are you alright?

Snape: I've lost my best friend _and_ the girl I've been in love with since childhood!

Harry: Sorry about your mom...

Snape: Not my mom you idiot!

Harry: Oh right, right.

Snape: Maybe I should immerse my brooding teenage self into the Dark Arts.

Harry: Don't be silly. Become a drunk or take up a hobby instead.

Snape: What kind of hobby?

Harry: I don't know. Hermione reads books, I play Quidditch, Ron... gets scared by things. And flirts with cats.

Snape: And to top it all off, I have to find someone to play at the Yule Ball!

Harry: ...why don't you take up a musical instrument?

Snape: That sounds cheesy enough for me to do it. Alright. What's that one Muggle instrument... you know, the one with the hole in the middle, and the neck, with the nuts on the end.

Harry: Gross.

Snape: Wow, I know. It's the one that those four guys from Liverpool use. It sounds like... guitar...

Harry: A guitar.

Snape: Excellent! Where can I find one of those?

Harry: You're a wizard. Can't you just poof one out of thin air?

Snape: Oh yeah! Thanks Harry. (_Snape twirls his wand around the air_) _Guitarius Pooficus_! (_A guitar appears out of nowhere. Swee_eet.)

Hermione: Harry!

Harry: What?!

Hermione: (_Whispering_) What are you doing!?

Harry: I just inspired Professor Snape to become a rock star to win back my mom.

Hermione: You idiot! Do you realize what you're doing?!

Harry: What? He's perfect for it. Broody attitude, greasy long rocker hair, legs that can totally rock skinny jeans...

Hermione: Lily and James are supposed to get together so that you can be born!

Harry. I did not think this through. Whatever... it's not like Snape's ever going to spontaneously become anywhere _near_ mildly attractive, I mean, look at that!

_He points to an over emotional Snape who's watching Lily and James. Snape take outs a piece of paper and writes Lyrics on the top of it_

Harry: Relax Hermione, your constant need to express your maternal instincts wont be needed in this situation.

_Harry gets a paper cut_

Harry: (_To Hermione_) Mummy!

Sirius: Oy James! Did you hear? Sydney's passed out in the infirmary. Pomfrey's been checking up on him, but to further this story and add more to the non existent plot, we have no seeker for Wednesday's match!

James: I'm sorry Sirius, what did you say? I can't hear you over all the snogging!

Snape: (_Talking to himself as he writes on the paper_) Lily, you are like a flower... because lilies are type of flowers... no damn it! Uh... Lily... you have nice skin... I CAN'T DO THIS!

_Snape crumples up the paper and shoots it in the trash, but instead, James catches it._

James: Look what the Greasy Git tried to get rid of... something about... flowers?

Snape: Give it here Potter.

Harry: Oh this is all too familiar.

Lily: Give it back James.

James: Sirius! Catch!

_McGonagall watches as Harry intercepts the ball of paper and gives it back to Snape._

McGonagall: You there! The one that looks suspiciously like James Potter! I wish to speak to you after class.

Ron: I can't believe you Harry!

Harry: What Ron?

Ron: You're trying to steal my girlfriend!

Harry: Professor McGonagall is old enough to be your mum.

Ron: Your mum's old enough to be your mum.

Harry: Ron...

Ron: Oh right, sorry mate. I forgot we stopped doing "your mum" jokes.

James: Oy Harry, what are you playing at?

Harry: What are you talking about dad?

James: Dad? You're a strange one, you know that _Puppet_?

Harry: Puppet?

James: That is your last name, isn't it?

Harry: Oh right, right. Please, continue.

James: What are you doing defending Snivellus like that? I thought you were a Gryffindor!

Harry: (_Checking the patch on his robe just to make sure_) Oh, will you look at that...

Sirius: He's even more disappointing than my younger brother.

McGonagall: Class dismissed! _Puppet_, I wish to speak to you.

Harry: Professor, I would appreciate it if you would just refer to me by my first name.

McGonagall: Oh nonsense! Only Albus is personable enough to do that. Now, I'm sure you're quite aware that our house is in need of a seeker for Wednesday's match.

Harry: ...

McGonagall: Follow me.

_Harry followed McGonagall down the corridor towards another classroom._

McGonagall: Professor Slughorn. May I see Longbottom?

Slughorn: Ah! Minervera yes, yes. Frank! Please see youself out-

McGonagall: Mr. Longbottom, I believe I have found you a new seeker.

Harry: This was so much cooler the first time around...

McGonagall: Young Puppet here caught paper ball from across the classroom.

Frank: Impressive. What else can you do?

Harry: I've killed a basilisk, produced a patronus, and survived the killing curse.

Frank: Well... you've certainly got a sense of humor!

* * *

**NEXT ON FLASHBACK, WE'RE ALL IDIOTS**

Harry: Ron.

Ron: Meow.

Harry: That's a stuffed animal.

Ron: It's so life-like!

Harry: (Patting Ron on the shoulder) It's ok. It could have happened to anyone.

-

Sirius: Give me your lunch money punk!

Kid: Sirius, it's me, your little brother!

Sirius: Oh, sorry Reg.

Regulus: That's ok.

Sirius:...

Sirius: Give me your lunch money!

Peter: You can have my money Sirius!

-

Harry: Oh hath thou love returneth to me? Your auburn hair flies in the wind like water in the sea, so peaceful yet so fierce. Emerald eyes pierce through my heart like a spear- yeah Snape. This kind of blows. Maybe you ought to write a song from the heart-

Snape: Ok... (writing) Lily... you're hot.

* * *

thank u for ur kind reviews :)


	4. EPISODE 4

**A/N:** Sorry it's been a long long long long eleven inch phoenix feathers long wand of a long time. My goal is to update every Sunday from now on :)

thankuthankuthankuthankuthankuthankuthankuthankuthankuthanku for all of the wonderful reviews!

AND WE'RE ON!

* * *

**EPISODE FOUR**

_An dusty old bar in Hogsmeade. Besides the bartender and a random goat, only Severus and Harry are present._

Snape: This is asinine.

Harry: What? An ass?

Snape: Nevermind. Look Harry, I don't think anyone's ever going to show up-

_Ron walks in._

Ron: Oi! I'm here for the uh-

Harry: Audition signup for Snape's-

Ron: Band, right right.

_Ron walks to sign a piece of paper._

Ron: Lets see here- (_there are absolutely no names on the list_)

Harry: Uh, how about you just tell us what you can play.

Ron: Harry, you already know I play the drums.

Harry: I know Ron. I just have to interview you and all. It's protocol. Wouldn't want to be unfair, you know?

Snape: (_Sarcastically_) Yes, please. The competition for the position of drummer is raging.

Harry: Alright. So far we have a guitarist, (_Nods to Snape_) a bassist, (_Points to himself_) and a drummer. All we need now is a pianist. Any ideas?

_Snape looks to Harry who in turn looks to Ron who in turn looks to Snape._

Snape: Oh all right. But you musn't tell anyone! Follow me.

_Just outside the Shrieking Shack._

Snape: When we get in there, I want you both to be alert and ready to run when I give you the signal.

Ron: Yes professor.

Snape: Wha-?

Ron: -sor McGonagall has nice legs. What kind of signal?

Snape: What do you mean, what kind of signal?

Ron: You know, the signal so we know when to get out.

Snape: I don't know. I doesn't matter. You'll know it when I do it.

Ron: Yes... but what if we don't?

Snape: I don't know, I'll erm, I'll wave my hands in the air.

Ron: Lame. I was thinking something along the lines of a glowing bat signal in thin air.

Snape: Whatever! Just follow my lead and don't get yourself killed!

Ron: This isn't what I signed up for!

_Inside the Shrieking Shack._

Ron: Harry, I'm scared. Hold me.

Snape: Shh!

Harry: Do you hear that?

Ron: It sounds like...

"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-da, life goes on bra, darling how the life goes-"

Ron: There is no way we're letting _him_ join our band.

_Remus is merrily playing piano and singing in the corner of the Shrieking Shack._

Snape: Lupin.

Remus: Severus! What are- why are... you swore you'd never tell!

Snape: Relax Lupin, any_ hairy _details were left out. The three of us are only here to offer you a proposition.

Remus: Well alright, but make it quick. The sun will be down in a few minutes... and you know that I... I play the piano... louder... on full moons.

Snape: Bloody hell Lupin, even Potter and Black could have decoded that _cryptic _message.

Remus: The proposition?

Harry: We'd like you to join Snape's band.

Remus: But I was planning on taking Hermione to the ball.

Ron: Oh well. Guess you can't be her date after all. Well then- what songs do you know!?

Harry: That's alright, we won't be on for the whole night. Snape only needs us for the opening act.

_Ron smacks him on the head._

Harry: What the hell was that for?

Ron: Sorry, thought Snape there was giving the signal.

Snape: So it's settled. Lupin is in the band.

Harry: We ought to practice.

Ron: Yeah, I suck.

Snape: Me too.

Remus: Tell me about it.

_Inside the Gryffindor common room- night._

James: He's probably off with those wannabe Death Eaters!

Sirius: Or wiping the grease off his long nose!

Lily: Stop that. What about those two other boys?

Hermione: Harry's with Prof- Severus, and Ron's probably with them.

Lily: And Remus?

James: Hasn't been feeling too well as of late. Stuck in bed. Not to worry, he'll be fine in a week or so.

Lily: Oh ok. Well then, we'll see you two-

Peter: Three!

Lily: Two, in the morning.

Hermione: Goodnight!

James: Wh- wait! What about our date!?

Lily: Oh, I'm so sorry James, but it's been quite nice to finally have a friend that's Muggleborn _and_ a woman. So unless you want to watch romantic Muggle films and talk about past boyfriends and puberty...

Hermione: Oh Lily, remind me to tell you about the first time I had my period-

_James, Sirius, and Peter were gone before she finished the sentence._

Hermione: What? I was just going to tell you about my periodic table test. Muggles do have the strangest sciences.

_The next day- Room of Requirement._

Harry: How'd you know about this place Snape?

Snape: Lily and I used to come here to brew potions.

Remus: Among other things.

_Harry gags._

Snape: Guitarius Pooficus! (A guitar poofs out of thin air) Before you arrived, I took the liberty of conjuring up your instruments.

Harry: Very cool. (Harry's bass is in the shape of a red lightning bolt.)

Snape: I thought this would be more fitting. (He levitates Remus a shiny keytar)

Remus: Totally rad!

_Everyone turns to look at Remus and are puzzled by his lame use of slang._

Snape: Muggle movie nights with Lily?

Remus: Yeah.

Snape: Right. I don't know what our band name is yet, so I left the skin on the bass drum blank-

_Ron takes a marker and begins writing on the bass drum- The Ron Experience. _

Snape: Accio idiot's marker.

_The marker flies into Snape's hand and Remus charms the drum head clean._

Ron: They never listened to Ringo either!

**NEXT ON FLASHBACK, WE'RE ALL IDIOTS:**

James: Periods. Bloody hell Sirius, why would they ever talk about that?

Sirius: I don't know. I guess girls are just closer than blokes are.

James: You're my best mate Sirius:

Sirius: Back at you Prongs.

Peter: Hey guys, am I your best friend too?

_Awkward silence._

Sirius: So periods-

James: Right, right.

-

Ron: I've got blisters on my fingers!

Snape: We haven't even started playing yet.

Harry: We need to come up with a name.

Remus: What about The Remus Lupins?

Harry: Ministry of Magic?

Ron: Switchblade Kittens?

Harry: Just because you fancy Professor McGonagall does not mean we're naming our band after her!

Remus: You fancy Professor McGonagall?!

Ron: (_Fuming with rage_) Harry wet his bed last term!

Harry: (_Gasp)_ Ron doesn't know how to tie his shoes!

Ron: Harry once hit on a man!

Harry: He had long hair!

(_Remus looks to Snape_)

Snape: Wasn't me.

Ron: Lupin is a werewolf!!!

Remus: (_Turning to Snape_) You swore!

Snape: I didn't say anything!

Remus: Severus knows all the lyrics to every _Sound of Music _song!

Snape: Only after _you_ told Lily all about them!

_Awkward silence._

Harry: I love that movie.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry it's short, but I'll write more next week. Tune in for the band's first practice, naming, Lily and Hermione's girly talk of girly situations, and more! Hope you all recognize the Wizard Rock bands. Again, thank you all for the comments and complimentary reviews! :) Till Sunday!


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